Death with Distance

2021, Medium Format

This series marks the first time I picked up a medium format camera. It was also the first time l used the camera as a form of protection for myself and the first time l documented something so emotionally complex. Beyond that, I was documenting a moment that is often chosen to remain unseen and handling the complexities that extend from that.

Losing someone you don't feel connected to is such a complex mental state to navigate; you feel disrespectful and numb. Watching your family process grief in a vulnerable and public display of emotion can make you feel undemonstrative especially in comparison. So much beyond my control held me from having a true and honest relationship with my grandfather. Still, I couldn't even compel myself at the moment to feel sad about how the possibility of changing that is now gone. I couldn't even find a photo of just the two of us; I don't think we ever took one. I processed this experience by framing it as witnessing my father losing his father. The thought of losing my parents is something so distressing I always suppress it, but opening up about that in this moment helped me to begin to evolve my perspective. I watched my father experience emotions in a way I've never seen before, more delicate and controlled than ever. There is no lack of emotions within my father's actions, no matter how many times he repeats how they complicate decision-making; I don't think he ever made an emotionless decision. Looking through this perspective gave me a sense of relief and momentary understanding.

For the burial I was able to use photography as a form of escapism for my discomfort. Being more distant from myself mentally during this gave me the ability to step back and document from an almost out of body perspective. I watched as my family became so overwhelmed with their own plethora of emotions that made their view of the outside world more distorted and distant for them. This partnered with my presence already being a constant, making me documenting indistinguishable from the rest. My memory from this day is a blur. I look at these images without remembering taking them.